dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
