I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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