she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
