They should really pass out barf bags in church
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
a search helicopter?!
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
