I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
