Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
