So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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