A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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