I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
