six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
