Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
