i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
