dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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