I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
