Whod you bang
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
