my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
