It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
