He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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