Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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