The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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