If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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