Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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