i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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