i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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