I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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