I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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