My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
