Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Randomize
