i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
