It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
