so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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