Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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