Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
