I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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