You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
