Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
