hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
