You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
