I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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