I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
