Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
