there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
