he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
