i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
