so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
