Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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