also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
