So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
