someone threw a dead crab at me
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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