Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
