I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
