My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
